This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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