Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
