is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
