Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
