turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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