omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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