So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
