Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize