I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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