Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
