I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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