Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
