Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
