captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
