Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
