Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
