woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
