Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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