I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
