Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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