Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
