If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
