I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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