nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
