I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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