He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
