he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
