I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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