perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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