I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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