did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
