So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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