dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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