Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
