She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
