When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
