if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
