Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
