Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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