I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
