cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
