Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
