i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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