If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
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when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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