I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
