so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
