sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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