and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
