remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
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When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
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Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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