party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
