My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
