i wish my penis had a tongue
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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