There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
