I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
