But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
