Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
