I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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