Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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