Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
