not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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