This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Everyone says I win the strip club
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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