So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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