i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
