every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
