I skipped work to stalk him.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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